The Misadventures of Clyde - Rehabilitation

Rehabilitation, what a wonderful thing. I bet you kiddos are wondering exactly how and why I ended up in a New Jersey Rehab center? Well, I guess since I haven't done anything aside from, eating, sleeping, pounding back cheap beer and shredding the guitar, I might as well tell you about it.

Part of it started when Pinky showed up. She had been doing some minor writing for Television on the side and was recently transferred to Canada. Inky offered her a place at our crib behind my back, so I was a little surprised when she barged into my fucking pad unannounced. She's always been a bit of a party girl, a competitive one at that, and I was up for the challenge. We played a variety of drinking games throughout the day. Morning 'til night, alcohol was pretty much flowing through my system non-stop. It was probably a stupid thing to do, but I didn't really care all too much, I was having way too much fun. I began to neglect my duties, like blogging, brushing my teeth, wiping my ass, etc. But at the end of June, it got worse... Much worse...

Remember how we have a "New-look" on the way? Well,  I honestly don't remember what we looked like. I got wasted, did a photoshoot and took my $600,000 paycheck. Kyle's copy of Nintendo Power had arrived in the mail, so I decided to peek through, what I discovered rattled me to to the bone. My "New-look" was an aesthetic abomination. It honestly looked like I put on pounds and fell down several sets of stairs, repeatedly. In my drunken stupor, I walked for two whole days until I arrived in downtown Toronto. I found a drug dealer and handed him most of my massive Paycheck. For the next month, the other two watched me descend a staircase into hell. I  was eating my breakfast from the mirror. Nose Candy took control of my life. They were terrified for me, but didn't do anything.

The ultimate last straw occurred when we went for another Photoshoot. I only went because I needed money, lots of it. Cocaine is pretty damn expensive. While we were taking pictures, Pacman decided to come talk to us in his fancy new shoes. They looked expensive, like cocaine. I needed to have them. So I screamed like a hillbilly and jumped at his legs, biting and clawing at them, screaming at his legs to relinquish his fancy shoes. They took me away right then and there, lopped me into a rehab center in New Jersey, where my Uncle Spooky lives. I spent a month and a half there and they said I was fit to return to society. But I'm a miserable wreck now.

Ah well, next week will be better. Yeah... Next week. Until then!

- Clyde.