Mississauga, ON – The recent White House announcement to end the War on Drugs and disband the Drug Enforcement Administration was received with almost unanimous acclaim worldwide. Countries such as Canada and Mexico have already began mimicking their neighbour's actions. But while most are celebrating the news in the midst of a chemical haze, the drug dealing community is growing more and more scornful.
“My entire livelihood has been destroyed,” John Gilroy, who until last week was a leading supplier of MDMA tablets in the Meadowvale community, told reporters. “The government is now distributing MDMA with ridiculous purity at an unreasonably low cost. I’ve increased the rat poison content of my pills to 85% and I’m still losing money.”
“I can’t keep putting my customer base in the hospital,” Gilroy added. “It’s just bad for business.”
With government-run drug dispensaries put in place, drug dealers are having an increasingly difficult time peddling their own wares. These recently established dispensaries allow people to purchase mind-altering substances that are much more suitable for human consumption than anything drug dealers can afford to sell on the streets.
“There’s no point in being a drug dealer anymore,” said Jamal “Pepper Jack” Dawson, who has built a reputation as the best crack cocaine supplier in the Port Credit area in recent years. “The legalization of drugs has rendered the entire illicit drug distributing industry obsolete. At this point it would be foolish to expect to turn a profit by continuing to sell low quality drugs when they’re cheaper, purer, and more accessible through legal means.”
Due to their inability to compete with the government, former drug dealers are now forced to resort to more honest ways of earning a living. Years of dealing drugs have left them without any legitimate transferable job skills and many are now finding themselves in colleges, concerned about their bills and pension plans rather than overzealous firepower and needlessly shiny fashion accessories.
“I spent my entire college fund on turning my parents’ basement into a meth lab,” said the disgruntled Jeremy Lawrence. “I also have like ten guns that are pretty much worthless to me. I mean, who am I supposed to shoot now that all of my competition has gone out of business?”
Lawrence hopes to pawn off his collection of guns and sell some of the beakers and Bunsen Burners in his possession back to the university he stole them from.
Although the future looks bleak for the under-underdogs of society, some still remain hopeful. An enthusiastic group of former drug dealers have united in a campaign that aims to restore their livelihood through the re-illegalization of drugs. These individuals hope to raise awareness about the dangers of mind-altering substances and begin another War on Drugs through the use of the same propaganda that started it almost 40 years ago.
“Drugs are responsible for 57% of all cancers and 34% of all deaths in the world,” stated Bill Denbrough, an activist for the re-illegalization of drugs and a former drug baron of Streetsville. “Marijuana causes lung cancer, every pill of ecstasy is like an ice cream scoop out of your brain, and you have a 75% chance of committing suicide every time you do LSD.”
Denbrough has memorized a vast array of uncited factoids which he hopes will prevent him and his fellow drug dealers from having to enter the workforce or pursue an education.
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